The UK has sent in its army to resolve an impasse with the EU, after discovering that seemingly intractable Brexit-related problems can be fixed at a stroke by just getting some lads in camouflage involved.
In a move that has been branded by Brussels as “technically, a war,” British soldiers, fresh from their successful stint as petrol pump attendants, have been deployed to renegotiate the withdrawal agreement.
Faced with confused consumers panic-buying fuel because they apparently think crude oil all comes from Germany, Whitehall boffins had the bright idea of getting the military involved.
Now ministers are looking to the army to resolve the multiple chaotic problems they face after their abrupt departure from the world’s biggest trade bloc — starting with intransigent eurocrats.
“Handing greater emergency powers to Our Boys is a fantastic way to Make the Best of Brexit, and definitely not a coup,” said an unusually tense Boris Johnson at a press conference where he was surrounded by armed generals.
“The fact is, the Northern Ireland Protocol needs to be urgently renegotiated, and without doing much research into the matter I imagine calming disputes in Northern Ireland is exactly the kind of tough task our armed forces are cut out for.”
The change of tactics does not seem to have fazed Michel Barnier, the European Commission’s chief negotiator who has now been promoted to the rank of Lieutenant-Colonel in the brand-new EU army.
“If these guys can be outwitted by some cave-dwelling Afghans, I doubt they would be a match for my crack team of fonctionnaires,” Barnier told Berlaymonster. “If they so much as step foot on Rue de la Loi, they will find themselves bombarded with 4000 pages of lever-arch files.”
If deemed a success, the military takeover of the UK is due to spread to other Brexit-related problems, including significant staff shortages in the hospitality sector. A crack SAS team is soon being dispatched to Pret A Mangers across the country to distribute live-saving plastic containers of pre-cut fruit.