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  • Writer's pictureAmerican EU Dude

Qataris demand refund of EU bribe money

Citing EU consumer protection rules, Qatar is seeking a refund of hundreds of thousands of euros in bribe money after discovering that paying current and former MEPs was maybe not the best way to influence policy.

“This is outrageous,” said a source in Qatar’s Ministry of Bungs.

"Can we have our bung back please?"

“We spent a lot of time stacking banknotes and putting them in Gucci bags and we thought we were buying the European Parliament vice-president. Nobody told us there’s like 27 of them!”

The Qataris also lamented the amateurish way in which the EU politicians took the bribes, keeping the money stashed at home rather than hiding it through such traditional money-laundering businesses as import-export, car-detailing and EU policy think tanks.

“Look what we got for FIFA, now that was worth it,” the Qatari official said. “With the Brussels guys we just got stale coffee, a seat on a panel discussion and a free ticket to the Parliamentarium.”

A European Commission spokesperson said the EU “took note” of the demand for a refund and promised it would be processed “after further consideration and due consultation with the relevant stakeholders, and a number of irrelevant ones. As per.”

In the meantime, the Qataris said they would seek other avenues of influence – including potentially sponsoring an “EU Awards Ceremony.”

"Nobody told us bribing MEPs and fake NGOs was such a waste of money,” said the Qatari official.

“I mean, you see Federica Mogherini’s name on a letterhead, you think you’re getting power. But then we read up on EU foreign policy and realised how wrong we were."

A number of disgruntled MEPs who weren't considered important enough to receive bribes are understood to be considering suing the Arab state.

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