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  • Writer's pictureMartini Seltzermayr

Euro-boffins near agreement on what 2023 crisis will be

Senior EU officials are within touching distance of deciding what the bloc’s official crisis will be for 2023, sources have told Berlaymonster.

In a series of secretive meetings, eurocrats at the Consultative Committee on Constant Cockups (CoCoCoCo) have been locked in talks to keep the Union in perma-disaster mode for its 65th consecutive year.

Officials privately hope the quandary, whatever it is, will help maintain at least minimal levels of not-quite-disinterest in the otherwise largely tedious functioning of the supranational bloc.

As part of the package, commissioners plan to underline that the as-yet-undetermined calamity serves only to highlight crucial importance of reforming comitology procedures and advancing towards completion of the Capital Markets Union.

“This ___ is a turning point for our Union, a challenge that will in the long term make us only stronger,” says a draft of a speech to be given by every single overpaid functionary you’ve never heard of repeatedly over the course of the year.

“Every crisis is an opportunity for More Europe,” said the generic text, seen by Berlaymonster.

One official briefed on the talks told us there’s been a “vibe shift in thinking” over the annual catastrophe, signalling a return to relative calm after a relatively tumultuous few years.

“We’re thinking somewhere between vaguely chilling and mildly irritating, but nothing more,” said the source. “Enough to get Qatargate out of the headlines, but existential crises are so 2022.”

The CoCoCoCo is understood to have narrowed down the options to a shortlist including Executive Vice-President Valdis Dombrovskis mispronouncing the name of a visiting dignitary, or a fiery but short-lived scandal involving contaminated cheese.

Previous official EU crises have included Ukraine/energy (2022), Covid (2020-2021), Brexit (2016-2019), Migration (2014-2015), Ukraine again (2014), the euro (2010-2013), the financial meltdown (2008-2010), the Lisbon Treaty referendums (2004-2008), corruption at Eurostat (2000-2003), Edith Cresson’s dentist (1995-1999) and Italy (1958-2023).

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