EU plans UK bailout under Draghi-led govt
The EU is planning a blockbuster bailout of former offshore territory United Kingdom, plotting a fresh comeback for its favourite topcrat Mario Draghi in a holding role as PM.
Following a collapse of the small island economy, the EU agreed to mobilise its development aid budget and a new round of collective debt and financing to fund the takeover rescue package, but put in place strict conditions.
Former Italian PM and confetti-phobic Eurobanker Draghi will head an interim technocratic government to steady the ship, replacing the clown crew who ran the economy aground and killed off its long-standing head of state after only 17 minutes in charge.
As part of the deal, the EU will also appoint officials to run the Treasury, the Bank of England, the civil service and the England men's football team.
All will likely be German.
A newly minted 'Britcoin' currency pegged to the Euro will be ushered in, to replace sterling which has plunged to parity with gravel.
It's understood there was some disagreement over whether the bailout should include the UK manufacturing sector. But one official said "we did the sums and it comes to a very reasonable seventeen euros and forty-three cents" (around 2.3 million gravel, at time of publication. Wait, 2.4.... 2.5 ....)
Announcing the plan, EU commission president Ursula von der Leyen said:
"The Unilateral Neighbourhood Fund for United Kingdom Stability shows yet again that in times of crisis, the EU will not pass up an opportunity to try and assume more powers."
"The EU has tools at its disposal to intervene in situations like this. We stand ready to deploy them to replace the tools currently in charge."
European Council president Charles Michel also said something, probably.
Meanwhile in parallel with the UNFUKS package, plans are afoot to tackle the wave of poor, hopeless migrants crossing the English Channel. “We’re doing our best but they keep swimming over,” said the Mayor of Calais