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  • Writer's pictureAltiero Spaghetti

The Weak Ahead

Commissioners’ Calendar Week 31 January — 7 February

Gentle reminder to members of the press that the Cabinets of each commissioner are responsible for updating their calendars. As President von der Leyen's calendar was sent through by text message, it can't be disclosed.

Monday 31 January Mairead McGuinness participates in a “Extremely high level roundtable that will definitely not be immediately ignored” at the Committee of the Regions

Monday 31 January Janusz Wojciechowski participates in the online conference “Annual Forum for People with Incredibly Long Names”

Monday 31 January Nicolas Schmit delivers keynote speech at “You Had One Job” summit, entitled “Portfolio Proliferation: How to Stimulate the Creation of More Bullshit Jobs”

Tuesday 1 February Vera Jourova speaks at the annual data protection conference “Safeguarding The Right To Be Forgotten: the Case of the Juncker Commission 2014-2019”

Tuesday 1 February Mr. Josep Borrell leaves a voicemail message with the President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin, and then another one and another one

Tuesday 1 February Maroš Šefčovič listens to another British minister of mediocrityramble on at him in a twenty minute phone call

Tuesday 1 February Margrethe Vestager knits her way through another boring day of zooms — either that, or she zooms her way through another boring day of knitting, it’s hard to tell

Wednesday 2 February Janez Lenarčič appears at an event entitled “Annual Reminder I am a Real Member of the College of Commissioners”

Wednesday 2 February Stella Kyriakides delivers keynote speech at the conference “Fuck the vaccine, let’s all go clubbing and get COVID!”

Wednesday 2 February Adina Vălean will be working from home today and may have to step out at one point but will be reading emails. She has brought a note from home to show the President

Thursday 3 February Commissioner Dubravka Šuica is released from the protective bubble in which her team have held her captive for two years and is surprised to discover that the “journalists” at her daily press conference were in fact actors in a highly popular TV drama

Thursday 3 February Frans Timmermans flies to Sweden via Australia on a whim where he burns down an ancient forest and cackles maniacally

Thursday 3 February Virginijus Sinkevičius goes to Place Lux and gets absolutely hammered on Leffe, then goes to C12 with his mates and throws up in the Uber home

Thursday 3 February Margaritis Schinas gets his eyebrows waxed.

On Friday all commissioners are scheduled to attend events with at best tenuous links to their dossiers, but which just happen to be in their respective home countries.

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