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Sidelined LinkedIn demands EU competition probe too


Job-bragging site LinkedIn has demanded it get a probe from the European Commission, “just like all the proper online businesses.”


The world’s leading source of overeager workplace anecdotes has become increasingly jealous of the attention paid to rivals like Google and Facebook by EU chief website-botherer Margrethe Vestager.


In support of its bid for the coveted “Brussels bogeyman” status, the US-based platform has submitted a dossier of over 7,000 affidavits from acquaintances it once had coffee with, endorsing it for skills including Strategic B2B Change Therapy, Wowing Customers Surprisingly and Abusing A Dominant Position.


With officials characterising online data as like gold for the digital age, the company argues its treasure trove of over 10 million middle-management grunts feigning spurious enthusiasm for their desk jobs could be subject to serious abuse, if only anyone could be bothered to do so.


“Come on, Margrethe, add us to your professional network,” a representative of the social network told Berlaymonster. “You even did TikTok, and that’s just some teenagers having a boogie.”


A European Commission spokesperson who we haven’t been in contact with for the best part of a decade wished us Congratulations on our Work Anniversary.

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