The European Commission has spent 700 000 euros on a video ad to make football fans more aware of the things they could do to contribute to the fight against climate change.
Because of course when you think about football fans, the primary problem with them is they just don't seem to preoccupied enough with the Paris Accord or the aims of the EU Green Deal.
The ad appears to suggest kicking a football at your light switches and thermostats to turn them off/down, which is not only inefficient but runs entirely counter to the universal parental rule of "don't play ball indoors."
The announcement also lists "getting to the pitch or stadium sustainably, recycling the waste from our half-time snacks, or turning off a couple of lights as we glue our eyes to the match on TV."
BM has got hold of the full draft list of EU recommendations for football fans.
Removing your shirt and shaving your head may be inefficient means of heat retention.
Large racist tattoos are similarly not an effective means of insulation.
Throwing bar-terrace chairs creates unnecessary landfill. If you want to move a chair, consider carrying it to your preferred location. If your intention is to inflict harm on another person, use a length of sustainably-sourced timber.
If you're going to hurl your bottles and cans onto the pitch, please ensure you rinse and separate your glass, plastic and metal containers in advance and throw them towards the allocated areas on the pitch.
Setting off flares is a wasteful and high-CO2-emitting means of generating heat and light. Consider wearing a nice pair of Ugg boots and using a solar-powered torch instead.
You know who the wanker in the black is. Save yourself the energy of asking repeatedly.
will run in the ad breaks around upcoming UEFA competitions, before cutting to coverage from stadia emblazoned with Gazprom sponsorship.