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  • Writer's pictureMartini Seltzermayr

Naughty children must be given lump of biofuel, EU official warns

EU officials today reminded naughty children that they can expect a lump of biofuel in their Christmas stocking this year, with new EU environmental strictures making the more traditional coal a thing of the past.

“If the EU is to achieve its Green Deal ambitions, we must send a clear message about the dangers of deploying fossil fuels, even as part of a scarcely used threat that vainly tries to get your kids to shut up once in a while,” said Frans Timmermans at a press conference today.

“We absolutely need to ho-ho-hold temperature rises to below 1.5 degrees celsius,” he added. “The 26th Conference of the Private jets… I mean, of the Parties, was very clear on this point.”

Under a specially negotiated derogation to EU green taxonomy laws, misbehaving French children can be offered a lump of Uranium-235, Timmermans explained.

Timmmermans, who Berlaymonster understands has been working undercover in a grotto for the last 6 months, or how else do you explain that beard, warned the ostensibly benevolent Father Christmas that breaches could mean a hefty fine under the EU's tough elf-and-safety directive.

Santa is well-known for keeping a detailed list of whether each of Europe’s 120 million kids has been good or bad, and is now the subject of a Red Notice issued by the European Data Protection Supervisor.

Excited children have been warned to expect delays this year as his new electric sleigh needs charging every 700 chimneys or so (manufacturer's official range, 950 chimneys), and the infrastructure simply isn't yet in place.

The Gas industry is understood to be lobbying to be classed as a viable "transition" punishment

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