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  • Writer's pictureAltiero Spaghetti

HASHTAG SOTEU - VDL's speech *as delivered*

There were some subtle differences between the written version of Ursula von der Leyen's State of the European Union speech circulated today, and the version she gave to MEPs. It's understood vdL was speaking off a text with handwritten alterations and additions by herself and her staff. BM's Altiero Spaghetti has transcribed the speech, as given. You're welcome.

"Check against delivery. Don’t say this bit out loud, Uschi.

Madame President, my fellow Europeans, honourable members, slightly less honourable members, Zelensky’s wife who we all recognise from that controversial photoshoot in Vogue, two embarrassed Polish teenagers I forced to attend:

War is bad. In fact, it is very bad. And Putin is doing war. Therefore Putin bad. He’s going to lose and I have ten thousand euros on that with Scholz. Mr Putin, Volodymr and I have been training in Parc Cinquantenaire and I will come to the Kremlin and fucking ruin you mate. I’ve met Wolverine I’ll have you know. Let’s be having you! Wait for applause.

Team VDL ready for today's address

Ladies and gentlemen, look at what I’m wearing. That’s right, blue and yellow. Don’t heckle. Pipe down Swedish MEPs, no, it’s not about you. Me and all the female commissioners are wearing blue and yellow to support Ukraine. Except Helena Dalli and Vera Jourova who apparently didn’t get the memo. This is about Ukraine, a country that in a huge show of solidarity we have permitted to start endless accession talks.

I know I haven’t mentioned supplying weapons but Ukraine doesn’t need weapons. We are going to win this war because we are the best in the world at colour-coordinated politically-symbolic dressing. That is what is really driving the recapture of Kharkiv.

What does blue and yellow make when put together? Green. And that’s the colour of the Green Deal.

Talking of things that are dead and buried, Queen Elizabeth was an absolute legend! She loved a smoke and a drink. And horses. She was truly stoic in a way that only a multi-millionaire living a privileged existence in multiple castles can be.

I will always remember how in touch she was with her subjects — although she’s probably covered more distance in the past three days than in the last three years. And now, let me seamlessly segue from the monarchy to talking about democracy.

Dishonourable Members,

Today we see that we must fight for our democracies. Every single day. But we must never reveal the content of our text messages to nosy journalists.

This is the main idea behind our new democratic political community conditionality gateway platform facility package mechanism.

By the way, electricity is really annoying. People think it comes from the sky in the form of lightning but that is not true. It actually comes from Russia. That’s why we need to use less of it. I know this is complicated so let me choose an example that will really resonate with the lives of average Europeans: Italian glassblowers and ceramicists. Now do you see how important this is?

Dear Olena Zelenska, I wish I was as cool as you. But no, there’s no time for you to speak. Polish teenagers stand up. Now sit down. Now stand up.

Long live the Union.

Hashtag SOTEU. Now sit down quick."

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