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  • Writer's pictureMartini Seltzermayr

German media reports “only 8% reliable”

German media reports may be as little as 8% reliable, the latest round of Berlin-based scuttlebut has revealed.

The news comes as EU nations vie for the crown of the bloc’s most disreputable news outlets, following the departure of the United Kingdom.

Brussels officials are concerned that poorly-understood statistics and hastily-briefed rumors pose a particular risk to vulnerable groups, in particular the over-65s, as anyone who’s recently looked at what their aunt shares on Facebook can testify.

In a bid to capture business flowing from the sewers of London’s Fleet Street into the EU single market, German newspapers are rumoured to be trying an experimental cocktail of inanity, miscomprehension and thinly disguised nationalism.

The nation has long prided itself on a robust but costly process of Hegelian dialectical reasoning and factual analysis.

“We realised it’s much easier to squint at a chart and insinuate something about the French,” a well-placed German media source told Berlaymonster. “This is going to be our next export success.”

“Only German vaccines will flow through my veins,” the source added. “Sanofi, what’s that? Sounds like a brand of toilet brush.”


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