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  • Writer's pictureAltiero Spaghetti

France close to signing ‘great’ new deal to sell submarines

The French government said Monday it was close to clinching a deal to sell billions of euros worth of nuclear submarines to SpongeBob SquarePants, Nemo the clownfish and the lost city of Atlantis.

“This deal — unlike the previous one with the perfidious Australians — is definitely going to happen. We’ve got cast-iron guarantees from the people who contacted us on Twitter claiming to represent SpongeBob and Nemo that they definitely do exist, are not joking and are ready to hand over the money.”

Paris was left furious about losing the deal with the Australians because they had poured billions into technology to allow the vessels to operate upside down.

“Our new security pact with the our sub-aquatic allies shows the very serious consequences there are when countries, like *cough* Australia, the U.S. and the U.K., renege on a deal,” French Ambassador Michel Barnacle said.

Emmanuel Macron said: "There's only one Marine that's going down, and that's Le Pen. But also our submarines because we are definitely going to sell them."

The French government said it had also terminated diplomatic ties with Hungary, Czech Republic, Luxembourg and Lichtenstein for “failing to disclose” that they are landlocked and “wasting weeks of French officials’ time” as a "mauvaise blague" by pretending to be interested in the subs.

The deal between Paris and SpongeBob’s capital Bikini Bottom is thought to include strong provisions on recognizing the special status of French food products, and strict rules determining that the Krusty Krabs fast-food restaurant must use 100 percent French beef.

Barnacle said: “Monsieur Pantalon Carré has long been a strategic ally of France and we can't wait to finalize the deal, any minute now ... they're going to sign ... any minute now ... "

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