European Parliament votes to keep EU farm subsidies, but only for weed
In a landmark vote, the European Parliament today agreed to a sweeping reform of the EU’s Common Agricultural Policy, which will now pay subsidies to farmers only for growing massive amounts of marijuana.
“Fuck it,” said European President David Sassoli in a statement. “Everyone’s working from home now, we might as well let them get totally baked. I mean, what a year, am I right?”
The reform plans, first set out in a Joint Committee report, were followed up with a series of rolling papers that eventually won over sceptics by being totally awesome.
Unusually, the vote won support from all of the Parliament’s main political groups. The normally reticent European People’s Party provided the decisive votes, with center-right parties admitting that it was ok to get a little high as long as it doesn’t lead to harder stuff.
Support from the Greens was unsurprisingly strong, even though several Green MEPs were too stoned to cast their votes.
The cannabis subsidy proved to be the clincher for the Socialists and Democrats group, which had been holding out against CAP reform because everyone else was for it.
“To me, the grass subsidy program makes a huge difference,” said Socialist group leader Iratxe García. “Like most of my EP colleagues, I like nothing better than sparking up a huge bowl of sticky buds and just kicking back. I think this vote will... uh... what was the question, dude?”
A spokesperson for farm lobby Copa-Cogeca could not be reached for comment because he had gone out for a kebab.