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  • Writer's pictureBerlaymonster

European elections to be replaced with “Europe’s Got Talent”

The European elections are just around the corner.

What normally happens is this: every five years, a small number of people stand for European Parliament, where they sit for five years. Rather like a dull game of musical chairs.

To make it more interesting, they get outside judges (the “electorate”) to vote for them.

Unfortunately, given the decline in voter interest over the last few years, the mandarins of the Brussels courts have determined that we need “change we can believe in” and have implemented an ambitious plan to boost electoral participation by “jazzing things up” a bit.

Berlaymonster can announce that from next week, all wannabe MEPs (from now rechristened “mepstars”) will have to audition in front of a live studio audience, and three celebrity judges.

The judges are still to be confirmed, but the current shortlist includes Silvio Berlusconi, Dana International, Katie Price aka “Jordan” and Neil Kinnock (who used to work in Brussels).

The mepstars in waiting will have to perform six simple tasks, including one ventriloquism act, one musical number as chosen by their political rivals, a recital of the Treaty of Rome, three- or four-ball juggling, basic accountancy and a “Crystal Maze” style puzzle based on the interinstitutional decision-making procedures.

The competition, which including heats, semi-finals and finals, is slated to last no longer than eight months, and the 785 winners, will take their seats as soon as their contracts and sponsorship deals have been signed.

It is hoped that the new format will bring new voters to play, particularly in the Brussels region, where despite their being quite a lot of expats who know quite a lot about European politics, only 4% have bothered to registered to vote in the European elections.


In other news, New Europe has identified the main suspects in the riddle of the Berlaymont Blazes, and Kim Bah Lee gives a geopolitical history of the EU’s smallest member through the medium of the Eurovision Song Contest.

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