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EU unveils new Strategic Automaton for Trade


The European Commission today made a bold bid to modernise its trade policy by announcing the creation of a Fully Strategic Automaton for trade policy, or something.


The Automaton, which will be “open and assertive” in policing EU trade, is to be fuelled entirely by carbon-neutral EU values and vain ambition to reform the WTO.


The first such Strategic Trade Automaton is to be incumbent trade commissioner Valdis Dombrovskis.


A former Latvian prime minister, the “Dombot,” as he’ll be known, joined the EU’s executive body in 2014, and quickly made a name for himself as a steely statesman-machine, with the mettle to shoulder almost any burden without complaint.


The new hardware upgrade will replace his earlier responsibilities of “Executive Vice President in Charge of an Economy that Works for People in Line with EU Climate and Digital Agenda Goals in a Sustainable Citizen-Focused Community of Values and Freedoms or something. And trade.”


“We felt Strategic Automaton was a little more to the point,” said Commission President Ursula von der Leyen in announcing the promotion. “And it better expresses our bold new trade agenda, which is to cling relentlessly to European principles on labour practices, environmental standards and health and safety at all times, unless we’re talking about China. Or South America.”


“Or Russia. And some others.”


The Strategic Automaton promised to be unwavering in its defence of EU trade interests, and equally unwavering in such qualities as emotional connection and political judgment.


“Obviously, I’m overjoyed about this,” Dombrovskis said with his trademark straight face, before powering down to reboot for an automatic software update.


The Strategic Automaton will be guided by the Three Delegated Acts of Dombotics as Published in Official Journal C.153/02/2021 p23.


“Given the foregoing,


- The Dombot may not injure a German company or, through inaction, allow a German company to come to harm.


- The Dombot must obey the orders given it by Germans except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.


- The Dombot must protect the EU's existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.”


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