The EU will replace its controversial process for acquiring new Member States with an interactive online quiz to be published on buzzfeed.com.
President Ursula von der Leyen was reportedly given the idea after she struggled to make it to the end of the long and “frankly rather tedious” membership questionnaire from Ukrainian leader Volodymyr Zelensky.
Under the existing process, known as the Copenhagen criteria, Brussels officials ask candidates exhaustive questions about their views on butter market regulation, but an unfortunate loophole means they forgot to check if they’re planning to abolish political opposition and a free media any time soon.
That is, Berlaymonster understands, now to be replaced by a quiz which, in the words of one official, is “more of a vibe.”
Conformity with EU values and the acquis communautaire will now be assessed by asking which 20th century European leaders the applicant would Shag/Marry/Kill, and whether they agree with statements such as “Monopolies are gr8 Y/N”.
At a June meeting, the commission is expected to respond to Zelensky’s application with its long-awaited communication, tentatively named “RECOMMENDATION For A COUNCIL DECISION on How Ukraine Sent Us a Membership Application And You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next.”
The EU executive also intends to modernise its equally ball-aching “infringements” process for monitoring compliance with EU law, which will be now be replaced by the listicle “12 Letters of Formal Notice 90s Kids Will LOVE”.