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  • Writer's pictureMartini Seltzermayr

'EU Official' to retire after years of service

A leading light of the Brussels media scene is set to retire after a stellar decades-long career tipping off members of the press, Berlaymonster has learned.

The retirement party for the highly influential EU Official, whose views on a range of technical topics are frequently quoted in the media, is due to be attended by a glitzy cavalcade of Brussels glitterati, including several Sources Briefed On the Dossier.

Edouard Ulysse, as he is known to friends, has a PhD in Obfuscation from Bruges Gravy Training College, receiving a distinction for his dissertation on Listlessly Reading Out An Agenda.

His early performance as Someone Briefed On Discussions drew attention from his superiors, and he soon rose through the ranks.

After a spell as Insider Who Asked Not To Be Named As The Subject Is Sensitive, his ability to provide rapid-fire commentary while clumsily leaving entire documents on a Whatsapp group of Brussels correspondents earned him a promotion to Senior EU Official.

His trademark was said to be an ability to disclose the contents of special chefs, without ever revealing sauces. [Subs please leave this one in. It’s good, even if you think it isn’t]

But over the years he became increasingly weary with his duties, particularly on the many occasions when he was required to text punchy and quotable opinions on the never-ending Brexit stalemate.

“After a while, he just couldn’t think of any more euphemisms for ‘WTF’,” Berlaymonster was assured by a friend of Mr Official, namely the guy he plays golf with while detailing weirdly specific workplace grievances.

Mr Official is to be replaced by a relative newcomer from Sweden, the rarely cited Diep Båckgrønd.

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