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EU drafts new ‘riot taxonomy’ list recommending Brussels buildings to trash

The European Commission, caught off guard by rioting in Brussels that damaged buildings in the EU quarter, has launched a new effort to re-direct violent action towards some of the city’s most egregious architectural disgraces.


Anti-vaccination protesters clashing with police near the Schuman roundabout on Sunday smashed windows and doors of the European External Action Service and tore up a terrace in front of Exki, a hipster sandwich emporium.


In response, EU officials are drawing up a ‘riot taxonomy’ – classifying buildings in Brussels according to their suitability for being attacked in anger by idiots wearing masks who are protesting against wearing masks.


Berlaymonster has obtained an early draft of the ‘taxonomy’, which suggests that vandals target such buildings as:


• Centre Borschette: The consensus pick for ugliest building in Brussels (a tough competition), this bunker-like conference center near Place Jourdan is listed as a welcome target for vandalism. “Nobody would miss the Borschette if it were completely demolished,” said one EU official, who admitted that the fortress-like construction of the building makes that nearly impossible to achieve. “I can only say to the rioters, ‘Good luck, assholes, the whole building is a slab of concrete.’”


Good luck wrecking this one, rocklobbers...

• Tour du Midi: Brussels’ monolithic “Tower of Pensions” greets visitors to the city emerging from the city’s South Station with an imposing institutional glare. EU officials admitted that damage to the building could risk slowing down the work of the 2,500 Belgian bureaucrats based there… but probably not.


• Palais de Justice: It won’t matter how much damage is done, as repair work has already been under way for the last 40 years. Worst case scenario: the scaffolding put up to repair the original scaffolding would need new scaffolding.


• Other Exkis: The ubiquitous restaurants selling weird sandwiches on impossibly hard bread have already been listed as a likely target for vandalism because if you throw a rock in any direction you’re likely to hit one.


• EU Committee of the Regions: Another building that could sustain significant riot damage without anyone noticing, but this would require that rioters were made aware of its location – and existence.


Critics of the plan said it was irresponsible of the European Commission to encourage unlawful violence, but also admitted that since it was a proposed taxonomy, it would never actually be finished.

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