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  • Writer's pictureBerlaymonster

Elf trafficking ring busted, EU warning

EU vows tough action on elf-traffickers, goodwill to all men.

Following pan-European raids on shopping centres and parcel delivery firms in the UK, Netherlands and Belgium, the EU has vowed to take tough action to counter the trafficking of elves during the Christmas period.

In the most egregious case – Bluewater in Essex – 57 elves were rescued from christmas decorations described by officers as ‘just horrific’, Representatives from DHLf were forced to defend their working practices when 16 victims were found crammed into a refrigerated delivery van travelling from Finland to the Netherlands .

A recent report from the European Police Interface for Xmas Intelligence (Eur-Pixi) ) – a European network of undercover counter-trafficking officers focused on blackmarket festive industries – found that while other criminal activities such as reindeer rustling and illicit cracker-pulling had declined in recent years, there has been a surge in the exploitation and forced detention of the diminuitive Santa helpers.

Citing melting polar caps and continuing global disparities in fudge, Eur-Pixi spokeperson Mrs Klaus noted that often the ‘little helpers’ are duped into believing they are coming to Europe for a better life:

“They are told the toy assembly will be automated, that the pointy hats will be fur-lined, or the most callous: that they will be able to help more EU children be nice. Once they arrive in Europe, they are herded into dark, cramped and frankly unhygenic grottos – up to 10 of them at a time – and forced to greet lines of spoilt, unpleasant children, wiping the snot from their jerkins, for day after day of extended shopping hours.”

The EU promised that while policing operations would be scaled down in the new year, resources would continue to be available to ensure that destitute helpers – discarded upon close of Christmas trading – would be able to access critical ‘elf services.

Combatting the industry is difficult – not just because of its seasonal nature – but because of the shadowy masterminds behind the lucrative trade.

One high-ranking police officer outlined the problem: “Every year we think we are closing in on the ‘godfather’ of the operation (codenamed Frosty). We know he’s a very very pale guy who likes smoking a pipe. But every year, come March, he disappears. It’s like he just melts away.”

Bondaged elves: misery behind the smiles (Photo reformatted to protect identities).

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