American EU Dude
Bottles of water, juice call for return to face-to-face Brussels meetings
Bottled water and juice have called for an end to teleconferencing and a return to face-to-face meetings, saying their manufacturers will go out of business if people keep drinking from reusable containers at home, several mineral sources tell Berlaymonster.
A pan-European coalition of conference-room beverages – who put aside longstanding differences over the fizzy-or-flat question – issued a joint statement after photos emerged of a controversial gathering of EU commissioners and Portuguese government ministers. The meetings, held in person and at conference tables, included the first bottled beverage displays seen in official settings in over a year.
“Most people looked at those pictures from Lisbon and thought, ‘Why are they meeting in the same room, isn’t that dangerous?’” said the coalition’s spokes-drink, a 0.25-litre Evian.
“All I saw were assorted little waters arranged neatly at each seat.”
The move for improved EU opportunities comes after a new threat emerged from the lucrative UK market for overpriced beverages, after ruling-party nutjobs considered a ban on continental imports.
One veteran of the meetings-refreshment business spoke wistfully of the industry’s Cold War peak, recalling the many international conferences that required bottled beverages.
“The Soviets were the best,” the source said. “They used to set out all kinds of different options in front of negotiators: flat, sparkling, vodka, some orange liquid that may or may not have been juice. They really knew how to line them up perfectly.”
The coalition is calling for an immediate return to meetings and proposing the use of special masks with built-in drinking straws.
“The situation is getting really desperate,” said a bottle of Indian tonic. “People are always at home, just drinking the gin straight.”
Insipid filter coffee, previously a meeting staple, is conspicuous by its absence from the beverage campaign. The halitosis catalyst is understood to have been sidelined by its more refreshing counterparts, as “no-one ever liked it anyway.”