Allies of PM Boris Johnson have brushed off latest claims that he done a poo in the Queen's hat, which he definitely did.
Witnesses describe the PM "hunched and quivering, coiling one off into a pastel-yellow lady's hat" during one of the many number 10 lockdown parties that didn't happen.
It's understood a hat of such description is on loan from Buckingham Palace for display in one of Downing Street's VIP visitor reception rooms.
One front-bench Boris backer, thought to be the only one left, called the allegations surrounding the thing that definitely happened "absurd" and a "media witch hunt."
Confronted with mobile phone footage, the minister said Boris was "clearly at work, delivering for the country," and said it was "leaping to conclusions" to assume that the hat, bearing a distinctive pin with the royal crest and "EIIR" on it, belonged to the Queen.
A Number 10 spokesman said the PM apologised "if any hurt was caused" by an "unfortunate oversight" that led to a "perception" of a poo being done "in or near" a hat that may or may not belong to the Queen. From the PM's anus.
Both the Metropolitan Police and Sue Gray are to look into it.
The claim, not the anus.