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  • Writer's pictureMartini Seltzermayr

Biden-Putin deal founders on who gets Luxembourg

A historic deal to divide up Europe between US President Joe Biden and Russian gangster-with-nukes Vladimir Putin has foundered on the issue of which of them doesn’t have to keep Luxembourg.

Just one day after a NATO summit where he was greeted by dozens of needy beaks begging for a morsel of regurgitated worm, Biden was reportedly keen to finally carve up the troubled continent with his erstwhile enemy.

But once negotiators got to grips with the realities of European administration, diplomatic torpor soon set in.

Under a leaked draft summit text, the US would have gained sovereignty over most of Scandinavia and Iberia. Russia would have kept its existing control of the casinos on the Cote d’Azur, while Italy would become a swanky suburb of Nizhny Novgorod.

In late-night talks, Belgium — henceforth known as the State of New New Hampshire and the Lesser Germany Oblast — was divided by a straight vertical line down the middle, with a special EU enclave protecting the international status of bafflingly popular tourist attraction Mini-Europe.

Yet momentum for the deal rapidly slowed when it came to the nitty-gritty of Europe’s forgettably landlocked nations.

“A tax haven without any beaches, have I got that straight? Big nope from us,” a source close to Biden told Berlaymonster.

Putin’s enthusiasm to take Switzerland as a nuclear missile testing zone apparently cooled after he decided it would be a waste of missiles, and might dent his plans to expand his luxury watch collection.

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