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  • Writer's pictureMartini Seltzermayr

Berlaymonster predictions for 2022

Every year presents a string of surprises and 2021 was no exception. At this time twelve months ago, who could have possibly foreseen that the UK would attempt to renege on its international commitments, or that murderous dictator Alexander Lukashenko would prove a bit of a live wire?

Anyway, as we with grim predictability face yet another new year, Berlaymonster attempts to earn its all-important pundit points by offering our top picks of what to look out for in 2022.

January: Vladimir Putin is condemned by the international community for invading the UK. The Russian president apologises, explaining that he simply clicked the wrong option from a drop-down menu.

February: In London, the incoming François government appoints a bunch of bendy bananas as its new chief Brexit negotiator in a gesture intended to show “two fingers up” to Brussels. A commission spokesperson describes the first round of talks as “fruitful.”

March: Hapless Belgian Charles Michel leaves his two-and-a-half year term as European Council President for a career steering slightly-too-long freight ships through the Suez Canal.

April: France is thrown into confusion after Presidential elections end in a tie, with both lead candidates securing exactly 22,497,534 votes. After a furious flick-through of the French constitution, the keys to the Elysee Palace are handed to Inspector Clouseau.

May: Slovakia emerges as the surprise winner of the Eurovision Song Contest in Turin, thanks to Maros Sefcovic’s catchy hit Frosty the No-Man.

June: Sweeping new Covid restrictions are introduced to counteract the rampaging oopsilon variant. Singing will now be banned within 1.5 metres of anyone who has been vaccinated an even number of times. European Commission president Ursula von der Leyen also advises against all but essential travel to Germany’s Baltic Sea coast — nothing to do with Covid, it’s just a dump.

July: Impressed with the branding success of its landmark environmental package, the European Commission unveils a blue deal (marine conservation), orange deal (fruit tariffs), and jelly deal (UK food standards).

August: Lol nothing happens in August, are you new to Brussels?

September: It is revealed that over 11,000 EU citizens have been handed public money to have a sex-change operation due to a confusion in the administration of the EU’s Just Transition Fund.

October: A mix-up over grey-haired French people sees the European Central Bank’s Christine Lagarde take the helm at Arsenal football club. The incoming manager pledges to increase the number of goals scored by a level close to, but below, 2%.

November: The Berlaymont is thrown into disarray after Albert Kuñardocz, commissioner for Partnership Cohesion Transparency and the Knowledge Valorisation Union, is forced to resign after being caught performing a delegated act with his secretary.

December: Disturbing new reports emerge of a mysterious virus circulating in a hitherto unheard of region of China, but don’t worry, it’s probably nothing to worry about.

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