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  • Writer's pictureAltiero Spaghetti

Afghanistan crisis prompts immediate EU meeting and some statement or other

ICYMI, the EU agreed a statement on the situation in Afghanistan yesterday. TBH, YPDMI (You Probably Did Miss It). So here it is in full. Download the pdf here.

Ccl statement Afg 010921b
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  • Council of the EU - Statements and remarks - 31 August 2021 - 18:10

Statement on the situation in Afghanistan

1. The EU ministers for home affairs met today for an extraordinary meeting, which was downgraded to a bog standard meeting once this statement was agreed.

2. Ministers took note of the situation in Afghanistan which they unanimously agreed is pretty bad right now, and therefore could certainly be better.

3. Ministers commenced the meeting with 10 to 11 minutes of small talk about their summer holidays which nobody really knew how to end.

4. When it comes to the resettlement of refugees, the EU will continue to collaborate closely with international partners. Ministers pointed out that Turkey is particularly nice at this time of year. The Greek minister was eager to stress that the wifi in Greece is notoriously bad, and there are lots of mosquitos which can be annoying. Lithuania announced a new national fence-building championship, although its minister said this was unrelated to events in Afghanistan and merely a sporting competition.

5. Forest fires in many parts of southern Europe should also be noted. Irregular migrants should ask themselves if they really want to go from the Tali-pan straight into the fire.

6. The U.S. has kindly offered to leave its tanks and military hardware to be used by a future EU army. The Taliban has been entrusted with looking after this equipment in the meantime.

7. The EU will use all available tools to ensure that the Taliban ceases its international terrorism. This will include closely monitoring the situation on the ground and being exceedingly polite in all our official communications with the new leadership until it verges on passive aggression.

8. In particular the growing of opium must cease. After just one more harvest. Alright two. Three is the absolute max and then we’re stopping it. That’s non-negotiable. Or four, but then honestly that is it.

9. Each Frontex border agent will now be armed with nukes.

10. A Team Europe approach is needed. Even if our response is to do nothing, we must do nothing together.

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