In a surprise move aimed at shifting the news cycle from an impending war with France, the White House announced this week that the United States will soon-re-open its borders to European travelers.
Starting in November it will once again be possible for EU citizens to visit the U.S, but they should be warned that a few things have changed since March 2020 – including everything from the immigration process to the fast-food drive-thru.
Here’s the Berlaymonster guide to America’s new normal.
1. Entry requirements are stricter
Starting in November travelers from Europe will have to: 1) show proof they are arriving from a country that is not in the submarine-building business; 2) test positive for ‘hard seltzer’; and 3) be able to recite lyrics to at least one Lil Nas X song.
2. America is great again, kind of?
Americans now have just two presidents (compared to the EU’s five): one who was elected almost a year ago and one who still thinks he is in charge and is only emceeing wrestling matches while waiting to be reinstated. Everyone pledges alle
giance to one of these two chief executives, and you can tell who supports whom by the signage in their front yards.
3. People love to start a conversation
Americans have long been known for their shyness about striking up conversations with random strangers. But now they are desperate for someone to talk to – even someone with a foreign accent and set of opinions. Suggested icebreaker subjects: proper mask etiquette, a comparison of European vs. American health-care systems, abortion rights, the New England Patriots, Chik-Fil-A vs. Popeyes, the weather, the European Union’s co-decision procedure.
4. Climate change is a thing now
A series of weather catastrophes and ever-escalating summer temperatures has finally convinced many Americans that climate change is real. And they are taking action: athletic stadiums have turned up their air-conditioning thermostats and the average number of SUVs per household has dropped from four to three.
5. The language has changed
So, American English has been on, like, a literal journey. You need to reach out if you want to make the most impactful impression, even if you could care less.
6. The coffee has gotten worse
In most dining establishments and hotels, brown water is still served under the name coffee, but now it comes with two plastic lids.
7. Websites have started shortening their listicles.
New research shows people do not read this far anyway.