Rutte named Italian prime minister in Brussels backroom deal
The Netherlands’ Mark Rutte will be named Prime Minister of Italy as part of an EU-brokered deal, after the Rome government suffered the latest of its quarterly collapses.
The transfer comes as the bloc endures multiple simultaneous governmental implosions, blamed on a combination of voter fatigue with unpopular coronavirus measures, and people just being Italian. Particularly in Italy.
“It’s hardly the first time we installed someone as a national leader, but this time we just thought outside the box a bit,” an EU spokesman told Berlaymonster.
“Once you’ve run one country we figured you can probably try your hand at any of them, and if you squint a bit Venice looks kind of like Amsterdam,” he added.
The longstanding Dutchman is said to have significant reform plans for the windmill-free Mediterranean nation, including a tough austerity program, pizza with chocolate sprinkles, and becoming a tax haven.
“Mr Rutte has been spaffing Dutch taxpayers’ money up against a wall for 11 years and, thanks to the new EU recovery plan, is looking forward to continuing to do so,” a spokesman said.
In what has been dubbed (by me) as a game of Member State Musical Chairs, generically-named Italian Giuseppe Conte is preparing a move to Tallinn to replace 12-year-old premier Juri Rat-arsed, after the tiny Baltic nation had its own cutey ickle corruption scandal, bless them.
The Lithuanian, or is he Latvian, I can never remember, is is said to be looking forward to trying out the top-notch grass from his new palace in The Hague, where the government this week resigned after a junior minister rode a bicycle without a bell.
The EU, meanwhile, is currently searching for a candidate to serve as Chancellor of Germany as soon as Angela Merkel leaves office in 2053.
I was unavailable for comment on my own ambitions for that role.