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  • Writer's pictureMartini Seltzermayr

Rutte named Italian prime minister in Brussels backroom deal

The Netherlands’ Mark Rutte will be named Prime Minister of Italy as part of an EU-brokered deal, after the Rome government suffered the latest of its quarterly collapses.

The transfer comes as the bloc endures multiple simultaneous governmental implosions, blamed on a combination of voter fatigue with unpopular coronavirus measures, and people just being Italian. Particularly in Italy.

Conte "contento" to hand over the keys

“It’s hardly the first time we installed someone as a national leader, but this time we just thought outside the box a bit,” an EU spokesman told Berlaymonster.

“Once you’ve run one country we figured you can probably try your hand at any of them, and if you squint a bit Venice looks kind of like Amsterdam,” he added.

The longstanding Dutchman is said to have significant reform plans for the windmill-free Mediterranean nation, including a tough austerity program, pizza with chocolate sprinkles, and becoming a tax haven.

“Mr Rutte has been spaffing Dutch taxpayers’ money up against a wall for 11 years and, thanks to the new EU recovery plan, is looking forward to continuing to do so,” a spokesman said.

In what has been dubbed (by me) as a game of Member State Musical Chairs, generically-named Italian Giuseppe Conte is preparing a move to Tallinn to replace 12-year-old premier Juri Rat-arsed, after the tiny Baltic nation had its own cutey ickle corruption scandal, bless them.

The Lithuanian, or is he Latvian, I can never remember, is is said to be looking forward to trying out the top-notch grass from his new palace in The Hague, where the government this week resigned after a junior minister rode a bicycle without a bell.

The EU, meanwhile, is currently searching for a candidate to serve as Chancellor of Germany as soon as Angela Merkel leaves office in 2053.

I was unavailable for comment on my own ambitions for that role.


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