Vladimir Putin announced he is unilaterally pulling Russian troops out of Ukraine after being given a stern talking to by Luxembourg Prime Minister Xavier Bettel.
During two phone calls in the space of a week, Bettel laid into the Russian leader even going as far as saying what he was doing was “probably wrong” and suggesting he should “think again.”
“Once Bettel threatened to call him a third time he crumbled,” said a Kremlin source. Putin relented and accepted every single one of Bettel’s requests.
“This proves wrong all those so-called analysts who said that the flurry of phone calls from western politicians this month was only stroking Putin’s ego. Yes, I’m sure he gets a real boost from seeing fancy words like “Grand Duchy” in his Outlook calendar, but who doesn’t? Bettel said at a press conference.
Nonetheless experts confess they are confused as to why Putin decided to cede to Bettel’s requests. “Putin has spent years holed up in the Kremlin looking at maps and the history books — so he will have a firm understanding of the huge role that Luxembourg has played and continues to play in world affairs.”
Luxembourg sources say this a major diplomatic coup for the EU country, not only, but mainly, but not only, because it means there’s no need for any more sanctions on all those Russian billions in Luxembourgish banks.
“This terrifying, megalomaniac leader is clearly hellbent on destruction and world domination,” Putin said of Bettel. “I simply had to give in.”
Meanwhile, Emmanuel Macron said he was glad Bettel ended up being the person who convinced Putin to end the war.
Macron said he’d received assurances from the Kremlin that even though the two leaders have spent 45 hours on video calls in the past three weeks, the Russians had informed him he’d been accidentally on mute for most of that time. “See, if it hadn’t been for that technical hiccup, I definitely would have convinced him,” Macron said.