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Global elite left red-faced as tax-haven links revealed

Politicians and the super-rich across the world have been embarrassed by yet more revelations that they are stashing their cash in the world’s shadiest jurisdictions in a bid to save on tax bills.


Millions of documents released in today’s Pantalone Papers leak have left oligarchs, arms dealers and drug barons red-faced by their involvement with far-flung EU hideaways such as Malta, Cyprus and Ireland.


The impact of the leak is rapidly spreading into the world of politics. The finance minister of the Cayman Islands was today forced to resign after it was revealed he had kept piles of assets in the notorious tax haven of The Netherlands.


Meanwhile Russian gangster Oleg Dyinadic faced a clamor of controversy after he was accused of having deposited 20 million dollars in an account in the remote central European pseudo-country of Luxembourg.


A spokesperson for Dyinadic stressed there was nothing untoward in the funds, which were merely intended as a deposit for a small bedsit in Kirchberg.



EU finance ministers this week vowed for the nth time to crack down on any clandestine financial wizardry that stood a chance of getting found out.


“Criminals, tax-dodgers and money launderers, we have a clear message for you: we don’t want you here unless you’re ready to buy a visa for the very reasonable price of €500,000,” a spokesperson said.


“Also next time maybe check your lawyer isn’t storing it all on a single unencrypted USB stick? Just an idea, lads.”


"I guess this means I'll have to switch law firms again," sighed one billionaire, who requested anonymity and was granted it after paying us a modest fee. "Have someone hand me my platinum smartphone."


The scandal is also threatening to engulf EU Prime Minister Andrej Babiš, the blank Czech who is standing for re-election under the slogan “yes, we Cannes.”

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