European citizens’ data “frikken boring” says NSA. “And it’s all spell
US secret service officials sought to play down fears among privacy-loving Europeans that their internet and phone use was being spied on.
“We tried following your data, we really did,” said one US official.
“But jeez you guys are boring.”
Europeans spent most of their time on email, the internet, or on the phone, “talking about, or looking for, fuckin’ CHEESE,” said one senior American pentagon source.
“Probably,” he added.
There remained some confusion as to some of the content, however. After 18 months of collection and analysis of Europeans’ data, decryption experts at the NSA had concluded that much of Europe’s electronic communications “were in some funny jibber-jabber lingo,” the official added.
“I mean, what in the frikken name-of-high-school-football is a ‘Geburtsdatum’?”. American security boffins first thought it may be a code for a person’s date of birth, “but we couldn’t work out the logic of the numbers. They were in the wrong order,” the senior official confided.
“It’s like they had up to 31 months and only 12 days a month. What’s that shit all about?”
US officials tried consulting British counterparts, “but they were equally clueless,” he said.