The final consolidated conclusions of the COP26 climate talks in Glasgow have now been published, revealing the true extent of the ambition agreed on. See the document here and the full text below:
The Conference of the Parties,
Recalling decisions 1/CP.19, 1/CP.20, 1/CP.21, 1/CP.22, 1/CP.23, 1/CP.24 and 1/CP.25,
Noting decisions 1/CMP.16 and 1/CMA.3,
Recognizing that weaning ourselves off that sweet-sweet glow of burning dinosaur plants is like too hard right now,
Acknowledging that eating less meat is all very well and all that but pulses make us all gassy and that can't be good for the climate,
Recognizing that widespread adoption of cycling is dependent on a global effort to improve the apparel options,
Acknowledging that buying local is important to reduce our carbon footprint but have you seen the prices we'd still rather buy off Amazon and feel momentary guilt quickly forgotten on the swift arrival of a cheap shiny thing on the doorstep from the other side of the world,
1. Welcomes that all the parties agree that coal should absolutely be phased. Whether it’s phased up, down, sideways or backwards in a multidirectional loop is not within the scope of this agreement;
2. Urges that from 2030 all coal must be not only be sustainable, clean and smell nice but also be low-fat and organic with no additives or preservatives. Indonesia, Australia and China have assured the parties they will no longer burn coal for industrial reasons, only to create a Hygge feeling of coziness;
3. Notes that this is the first time anyone in Glasgow has ever wanted to be associated with anything from Paris;
4. Welcomes that we’ve kept 1.5 alive. (Although there’s still an open door to 2.4, and 3.9 is feeling fine);
5. Regrets that the only impact of Alok Sharma’s tears was to contribute to already rising sea levels.
6. Invites delegations to start making preparations for COP 27, expected to be the first fully sub-aquatic climate talks;
7. Notes, however, that the presence of sharks cannot be more of a danger than roving delegations of fossil fuel lobbyists;
8. Expresses gratitude to the EU for the supremely important role it played in the talks by reminding us of the WiFi code and making cups of coffee for Chinese and U.S. delegates;
9. Crosses fingers that it will all pan out
Done at Glasgow, 13 November 2021 Signed, the Parties